Touted – By: Nick Romeo

Officer Stramatt steps into the room. “I was the responding officer. You were in really bad shape. It’s good to see that you’re on the mend.”

Mike responds with various gargled words.

“Before I ask a few questions, I wanted to make you aware of this letter I found stuck in your pocket. We did find your I.D. and your wallet, but nothing else. Your Mustang Cobra was found in the parking lot of Bath and Body Works. Would you like to read the letter?”


Officer Stramatt hands Mike a crinkled letter. He winces as his fingers work overtime to straighten out the page, so the handwriting can be read:


Dear Meathead,

First off, I love the Tapout shirt. It matches your Mustang, and your friend’s Tapout shirt. You both must shop at the same boutique, and enjoy the same color pallet, khaki and mauve. Anyway, I wanted to thank you both for reminding me to which social circle I belong as I walked past. Since you seem to have a problem with my type, I decided you didn’t need the assorted items that were designed by people like me. I took your car and iPhone. Then sent your former high school sweetheart several steamy messages from your email. She responded back, by the way, then I made sure that your present girlfriend was bcc’d. I changed the password to your Hotmail, and Gmail accounts after I mass emailed links to your favorite disgusting websites, and some of your vacations photos as well. Where was that photo taken? The one where you’re in the bathtub wearing a snorkel and pink thong Speedos. Even though I deleted your banking app, I did not steal a single penny, but I did send some money to my favorite animal shelters. Please understand, I’m not a horrible person, I just don’t like reminders of high school. I knew many people such as yourself and your friend. That’s why my parents had me enrolled in martial arts classes since the third grade. Have a nice day, or next several months. And you can thank me later for relieving you of such “nerdy” items. I signed you up for

You really need to expand your horizons, and it looks like you will have some extra time. Finally, just to let you know, I placed your car keys in a random whey protein powder container at GNC, which is next to the Bath and Body Works. Sorry, I forgot, you already know where the GNC is located. My bad.


The Nerd


Mike folds the letter and drops it next to him on the bed. “I don’t remember much. We were just jagging. It was just harmless fun.”

“Sir, nothing here looks ‘harmless,’” Officer Stramatt quips. “Can you give some sort of description? He covered his tracks.”

Mike lays back into his overstuffed pillow, and stares into the fluorescent lights. “I think he wore glasses.”

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